I own a car. I have spent at least as much time feeling bad about this as I have spent actually in the car. It is parked in the street outside our house. Our street is a rare treasure – lined with elm trees. The aphids in the trees have woken up for the season, and begun squirting honeydew out of their bums onto the cars beneath. My car is covered in the sticky stuff. Recently I was driving at night, and the lights of oncoming cars became huge blurs and smears in the dried honeydew. I could hardly see out. I thought that the honeydew, combined with the huge splats of seagull shit which I had neglected to scratch off the glass, made a highly effective form of anti-car sabotage. I imagined crashing because of being too apathetic to wipe tree aphids’ bum pee off the car windscreen. It made me smile.